Tuesday, June 12, 2012

How To Do Everything Wrong.

Last week,
I was asked to teach a DIY class to women.  IN MY GARAGE.

And if you've ever been in my garage, heh, then you know it was an episode of Hoarders waiting to happen.

But no so, anymore.  I officially declare my garage. . . completely clean.  Last week, that is. And the heavens opened, and angels rejoiced.  Last week.

From now on, I'm leaving this little garbage can right next to my work bench.  No more chucking down scraps on the floor for me.  Maybe.  Hopefully.  Fingers crossed.

Oh!  And by the way!  Did I tell you the hubs was so kind as to get on out there and build some shelves for us?

Aw. . . Jeffro.  You're my favorite husband.  "You are my biggest fan. . ."  Name that movie.

Anywho!  Enough about the stinking gay-rage!  (And it really does stink, people-- hubs put wet grass clippings in the garbage in there-- whoo.  Do not go in there.  It smelled like somebody died.  Farting.)

Let's move onto this "DIY" class.  I wanna talk about that.  Told the great gal who asked me,

"Heh heh.  Heh.  I could teach a really, REALLY good class on what not to do."

I really could.

I see my house, as one big fail. Some are better fails, but, fails, nonetheless.

No! I'm not sugar coating it. Just the honest truth. Told her the only thing I've got going for me, is I am persistant. NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER SURRENDER! And so forth. ("Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!"  I'm sorry. I'm in a movie quote mood.)

So, without further ado, and without any more randomly placed but very good movie quotes, I'd like to give you my small list of:

Tip!:  Whilst working, don't just leave your hands anywhere.

I'll quickly add that this does not display my worst hand injuries. And now let us move on.

Tip!:  Working with a nailgun?  Good for you.  Working with a nailgun near a pocket door?

Don't use brad nails that are quite longer than the drywall. Unless you don't like closing your bathroom doors while you go.

It's a personal preference, though.

Tip!: Kay-- a lemonade stand might seem like the coolest idea in the world-- and it is 'n all--

but it's the storage of the beast that's the problem. The hubs walks past it, raises his head to the heavens and mutters "Why? WHY?" pretty frequently.  ("Can't we like, hang it from the rafters er something?")

Tip!: Okay.  How do I put this?  If you enjoy hitting your funny bone on everything, this one doesn't apply.  If you enjoy having your gums scraped, this one isn't for you.  If you love tweezing your nose hairs,  this one's not gonna count for you.

Do not. DO NOT -- for the love of all that is holy, don't makeover your bedroom, finish your basement, put in a garden, and make a window bed for your son, allatthesametime.  It's similar to taking a hefty amount of ex-lax, waiting 20 minutes, and then going to the grocery store for some serious shopping.  Smart people just don't do that.

You know what- this is getting depressing.  Let's just stick with these tips for now.


Evelyn said...

Ahh...you've got me rolling and feeling so happy! But in all seriousness, your "failures" are all pretty flippin' amazing to me. My daughter has asked me if I will hire you to redo her bedroom. Several times.

Lisa at Shine Your Light said...

Crying laughing, and handing the laptop to my husband. You just made my day with the ex-lax line (and a Dumb & Dumber quote to boot!!!) You make me happy when skies are gray!!!!!

Emily said...

You kill me! Seriously!! I would totally come to a DIY class in your garage!!

Laura at Ms. Smartie Pants said...

What lucky ladies! Wonder if they have any idea how much they are gonna laugh??? You once again... crack me up!!!

Jean @ www.thebackyardbungalow.com said...

You're a riot! I'm glad I'm not the only one that does everything wrong. You should see the curtains that I finished last night. The secret is disguising the mistakes, yes? I'm forwarding this post to my husband...he could use a good laugh!

Libby said...

A Canadian home improvement store (akin to Home Depot & that other one) Rona has a series of commercials that you must've written..."Cutting Corners". I can't do it justice so take a peak (it's "Doing Tiles Wrong in 4 Easy Steps"):

I wish I had your skill at doing it wrong-my house would look amazing.

Teri said...

That said...I can't wait to hear about your class...because I am in constant awe of your talent! Sorry I've been MIA and haven't commented lately. Things have only become more challenging at school, and my time for blogging has been shopped at the knees! In fact, I think my blog may now be defunt...

Ashlee said...

That thing you do! And Galaxy Quest. I was laughing so hard at your analogies I'm crying!

Kristin said...

Just referred by Mandilicious at Vintage Revivals...

I know the movie! Call on me! Call on me! ...

"That Thing You Do."

Please give me an A. Thanks.