Sunday, April 12, 2015

And Then I Realized Something.

I worked my badonkadonk off this week on several various projects that I'm just dying to talk about, but I'm interrupting all that because I realized something that's been staring me in the face and now I have to talk about that for a minute.
Thanks for your time, by the way.  Ahead of time. I should pay you for this small therapy sesh.
First off, let's listen to my favorite band and one of my favorite songs, because this song kinda sorta pretty much sums up everything I'm about to say.

Listen to it while we chat. I find it to be so choice.

Now don't get me wrong-- 2014 was an epic year. Loved it loved it loved it. But I have totally realized that I spent, and am continuing to kind of spend 2015 in fear. I have been crippled by it.

As far as my house goes, which is like, my favorite hobby of all time, I was at a standstill on my projects. This can be blamed on a dozen different things, and I had tons of excuses ("it's a lot of money, I'm not sure how to accomplish that, the hubby prefers when I'm not deconstructing the house" etc.), but mainly the source was fear.

I was afraid other people wouldn't like what I'd done. And mainly I'd talked myself into this strange feeling that I can't really accomplish anything. It was like I couldn't see the beginning to the end and so why even try.

This fear was stretching out into all other aspects of my life. Stupid example: my son needed me to fix his bike. I am capable of fixing his bike. I am. But in my head, I wasn't. I deferred it to the Jeffro to take care of business. And I'm constantly doing this.

"Oh, I don't think I'm capable of that. . ."

All my decisions have needed 10+ people to back me up and give me the go ahead. I can't make any decisions without mulling it over and getting approval.

I do not trust myself anymore. And I have no idea why.

Now I've really laid down on the proverbial therapist sofa, but truly, it's trickled out into my whole life. I can't speak in church-- even giving a prayer wigs me out. I don't play the piano in front of anyone anymore.

I am surprised I took my family on our vacays this last year-- I had myself so convinced that something would happen that I couldn't handle away from home.

I think putting up that dang scaffolding and finally, finally tackling some things that seemed impossible to accomplish is what snapped me out of it. And the Daddy-o, who knows me all too well, sent me this, out of the blue, while he was in China last month:

Yeah it's from a movie. I heard the movie wasn't so good but hey, this quote's great.

Okay, I'm done now. Still pondering on what it means for me. Sitting up from the sofa and walking away. You're the best.


Anonymous said...

It was worth to watch the movie because of this quote! And because I was stunned how much Jayden Smith looked like his father, but it sure us a quote to live by!

Sharon said...

I will take my place on that sofa right after you! In my younger years I was always able to jump right in to things without first testing the waters or asking for approval. Sadly, I seem to have developed the same fear you mention and am often paralyzed with indecision. But, that quote rings a bell with me too, thanks! Gonna have to figure out a remedy here too, and soon.

Anonymous said...

So glad to hear that you are doing better. Sometimes our own demons can be super scary.

If it helps at all, even though we have never met, you totally inspire me. I make sure to read all of your posts because you totally crack me up and make me want to go out there and build or paint something.

I also, have experience in the "scaffolding in the living room for a month" department. Terrifying at first, but practically a circus acrobat at the end. You lived through that...of course you can do anything now!

Keep writing and I will keep reading!

Janelle said...

I love it. I have a lot of that too. Thanks for sharing.

Maura said...

I hear you, sister. I've been thinking a lot about courage, and how I assumed I could avoid ever needing any by living a nice safe life. The thing is, everything good takes courage. Having a family, exercising faith, being a good neighbor. And when I gird up my loins or wear my big girl panties or whatever, I'm the one who wins. I'm gonna feel the fear and do it anyway! Thanks for letting us in on your thoughts.

Maura said...
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Meg said...

I lurk, but never comment. I was just starting to feel myself sliding into something similar at the beginning of the year. Winter was hard, life isn't moving in leaps and bounds - more like tiny creeps forward.

Anyway, I started doing something called 'Morning Pages' at the start of last week. One week is all it took to get this giant emotional block out of the way. I intend to do it for a while.

Morning Pages is sitting down and writing 3 full pages at the start of the day (I do it after I get to work, so I can sit still and not stress about being late) where you just write about anything and everything. Start out with "This is a stupid idea and I'll just write 3 pages of nonsense..." and suddenly your eyes are misting up because you realize there's been too much on your mind and you hadn't realized you were mad at xy&z, etc.

Google the idea, try it out one or two mornings and see if it helps. Mine have gone from bored ramblings, to deep philosophical thoughts, to a journal and back.

I apologize for the long comment, but I'm amazed at how different the world seems after a week of clearing out the negative, mean, and scary thoughts first thing in the morning.

Rosemary said...

I've followed your blog for years now and am in awe of all you accomplish. You are a talented, hard working person who is capable of accomplishing so many things. You have never been afraid to try and fail in the past. When I am paralysed with fear of a task ahead I always ask myself what's the worst that can happen. Usually the worst isn't so bad so I go ahead.

When you feel incapable of some task remind yourself of all you've accomplished by yourself. Play the piano in front of someone you trust, then someone else and so on until you feel you can play it in front of anyone and build up your confidence again.

From all I've read on your blog I know you can overcome this stage in your life and get back to being the person you really are - confident, talented and willing to take on a challenge.

pogonip said...

You are the queen of awesome molding combinations which is what hooked me originally. But knowing that someone as talented as you has fears that you face and move beyond is inspiration of quite another kind. You rock, girl!