Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Just In Case You're Unclear Of My Dysfunctionalism.

Our elementary school is putting on a musical.
For the rest of the neighborhood, this was extremely exciting news, and everyone was preparing to perform for a coveted spot in said musical.
Except for my kids.  I asked them-- I figured they'd be as crazy excited as every other kid.  Not so, my friend.  Not so.  No thespians in the house.
I got a firm, yet deadpan "NO."   Well, alrighty then. 
But that didn't stop me from getting volunteered to make something for the school musical.  And I don't even know what to call these things--
server tray?  See what Jess has around her neck?  Have you seen this episode?  'Cause it's a goodie. 
A vendor tray thingy?  I don't know.  I don't even know what I googled in the first place to get an idea for what I was building, but just know that pictures of skanky women popped up with these server tray dealy-o's and you shouldn't google it.
Isn't this the most exciting project we've ever discussed in the whole history of ever?  Just wait because it gets even more kinky.
So I'm trying to decide just how to make these without them being huge and super heavy for little kids.
Now, normally, I use pine for everything.  But as Schmidt said, “Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.”
But trade "loft" for "school musical", and apparently I am a poor person.  And maybe I should build an outhouse with all my pine.  Maybe I will.
So, I opted to use 1/2" oak for the sides and quarter inch plywood for the bottoms.  Strong?  Heh.  No.  Lightweight: mais oui.
Oak.  WTH?  Does every piece of oak smell like something died, farting?  I mean, typically if I cut into a good piece of wood, I think it smells great.  Pine smells great-- cedar smells great--
the Daddy-o said it was a "urine-y" smell.  That is being nice and unoffensive.  It smells like cat shat.  I was being tortured working with it.  Down with oak.
And then, I left my brain inside the house, and when I went to put the holes in the sides for the fabric, like a mindless zombie, I put a little circular hole in EVERY SINGLE PIECE, HELLO.

What was I thinking?  Clearly I wasn't.  I could smack myself, and I wasn't about to cut new pieces of stinky expensive oak.

So I picked up some wood doodads from the Hob Lob and slapped them on there.


Done.  If these fall apart during the musical, I didn't make these.  I'll say you did it.


Rach said...


Cathie said...

I've always known these as cigarette girl trays.

Libby said...

LIke Cathy I always knew them (via movies) as cigarette girl trays.

I'l take credit for them if they fall apart...and then blame the glue (I'll claim that I bought it at a dusty dollar store).

james and bess said...

LOVE "New Girl!" Also, "The Mindy Project" and "Brooklyn 99" - you can tell I'm a high-class broad from the TV I watch. (Also, I pig out while watching "The Biggest Loser.") :)


Leslie Woolf said...

I love Jess too! In fact, we don't call the show by its real name, we just call it Jess. :)

And...I laughed out loud while reading this whole post.