Friday, June 28, 2013

Holstering My Guns.

You know,
 
I have a lot of resolutions this year.  A lot.   I guess I have a lot of issues.  But the one that I have enjoyed the most of all my resolutions, is
 
ORGANIZATION 2013.  (Monster truck rally voice).
 
Changed my life, this has.  I'm serious.  Seriously serious.  Serious as just having eaten four bran muffins, downed a big glass of prune juice, and being stuck on the freeway in a traffic jam, serious.
 
I have scoured this house-- every nook, every cranny, every single closet--
 
you know what I've learned?  Besides that we have (correction: had) a serious amount of crap?
 
It takes 3 times, yes, 3, to finally purge a house.  That's what it took for me to finally be level headed and completely, honestly thorough about what must stay, and what must go.  
 
3rd time around, I was walking through the house, inspecting closets, and thinking in my head,
 
"Oh puh-lease-- I have gotten rid of everything we don't use.  You cannot bleed a turnip." 
 
Heh.  Heheheh.
 
(Spongebob exaggerated french accent voice)
 
Bam.  I filled my entire mommy van with stuff.  Just. . .stuff.  Shiz.  Crap that clutters and causes chaos and makes the linen closet impossible to close.
 
 
 
NOW.  Now you can't bleed this turnip.  Everything not needed in this house has either been sold, donated, or spewed out into the garbage.
 
And it feels good.
 
Um. . . what are we looking at, here? 
 
 
Nothing.  We are looking at nothing.  We've hit an all time low.
 
But that's the beauty of this-- we are looking at nothing under the bed.  In fact, there is nothing under all my beds in my entire house.  This is unprecedented!  Glorious!  Unreal! 
 
Couple other things I've learned the hard way:
 
--Said it before and I'll say it again: absolute direct correlation between keeping a house organized and not bringing more crap in.  Since we know I'm grounded from shopping, nothing new is coming in, thus giving me nothing new to find a place for.  And it's beautiful.
 
--I have a choice: I can either complain and feel chaotic because my house is unkempt (90% of my life), OR, I can bust my buns to put things back where they go.  Which leads me to. . .
 
--The "leave a room better than you found it" advice has really gone a long, looooong way for this place.
 
I like to think of that last one as similar advice from Coco Chanel:
 
 
 
Now, this does not apply to me on a personal level, as I don't wear jewelry typically, and so if I were to do this, I would have to leave the house with only one shoe, or without pants.  BUT,
 
I do do this in my house.  I take away something from the room-- especially anything that doesn't belong there.  OR if there's nothing left to take away, that means I try and dust or straighten something before I leave.
 
Does this mean you will come to my house and think I'm a good housekeeper?  Ha.  Snort.  No.  It totally doesn't. 
 
Just for kicks, I took a picture the last time someone popped by unexpectedly, and in my head, the joint was clean.
 
 
 
Yep.  Totally clean in here, right? Kids were just playing with these toys, so it's clean, alright?
 
Whatevs. 
 
Anywhooooo,
 
I've discovered something else about my complex and confused personality--
 
I build crap.  I mean, crap.  I mean: contraptions.
 
I had no place for all the cards in this house.  We play a lot of cards. 
 
And I thought it needed a box that looked like a big domino.  Or dice or something.
 

And a friend popped by when I was finishing this, and she was all,


"You know, normal people just go buy a little container at the store."

When have I ever said I was normal??

And then I threw together this p.o.s. shelf to hold stuff I didn't want the baby girl to get into near the vanity table,


because there was a time when this kind of crap happened.  A lot.
 
 
 
("You wear too much eye makeup.  My sister wears too much eye makeup.  People think she's a whore."  name that movie)
 
And then I think it's wise and prudent to pull out a shelf, take it down to the garage, screw in some random pieces of pine in there,
 
 
so I can actually organize my daughter's undies.  I had no idea she had like 60 pairs up til now. 
 
Contraptions, people.  Contraptions. 
 
And then, I decided I didn't like how my curling iron and blow dryer were sitting on/around my vanity table, and they needed to be holstered, somehow.
 
Took this stuff I found in the garage-- I don't even know what it is so it's probably for plumbing or something--
 
 
screwed it in behind the legs on my vanity, and bam.
 
 
My guns are holstered.  Off the floor.  Hidden. 
 
Oh my heck-- I build crappy contraptions.  What will this take me to?  How will this end?  
 
And will you find me in my house at the age of 70 with a jimmy-rigged stair chair zooming up and down my stairs with a weird wooden drink holder?  Complete with a slot for my glasses and my Metamucil? 

'Cause that's the road I'm on right now.

17 comments:

Samantha said...

You building stuff is showing how much you love your family. I wish you loved me :)

Lisa @ Shine Your Light said...

This organizing AND not shopping thing is making you super creative is all! Wish you could come over and work your magic on our underwear drawers and whatnot - we're a big ol' mess over here!

julie - eab designs said...

Just gotta say, I LOVE that picture of your daughter! Fun times. I'm currently in the organizing stage too. Am always struggling with the blow dryer falling out of the cabinet so I'm going to take your lead and get me one of those holster things too! Have a great weekend and as always, thanks for making me laugh.

Rhonda said...

I LOVE this post! I'm trying to declutter my house for good and WOW. I have been removing a garbage bag a day and it's not making a dent!

Katy Li said...

I think I need to find a way to holster my hair dryer now. Except... I don't have a vanity with open space. I could screw a wire clothes hanger to the wall in my bathroom but then I end up feeling all "redneck engineer"
:P

Mana said...

I *need* to declutter my house, but I don't wanna and you can't make me! But seriously I know it needs to be done but I still get stuck on the "But what if I do" mentality every damn time.

Mana
Fashion and Happy Things

Kerrye said...

So disappointed in myself. Couldn't place it. Had to google it. And then discover it's only from my favorite movie. I even OWN the movie. (I only own 2 movies.) Gah! Beuller? Beuller?

Shirley Moore said...

Love it!!! You always make me smile! I soooo want pics of the chair with the wooden drink holder...like now, k? Cause who needs to wait til their 70's to have that kinda fun?

Jan said...

I used to "have it all together" and then I had kids - four of them within six years - bam! And organization went right out the window. I'm a little OCD so this made me effin' crazy and I'd organize their rooms and their toys (even gave skanky looking Barbie dolls much needed makeovers) while they were all in school. This only worked until the teenage years and then all bets were off. Enjoy the power while you can! Soon they will be locking you out of their rooms. And that doesn't mean they won't still be into YOUR stuff - au contraire! Suddenly they will share your taste in music, fashion, makeup, fragrance, you name it. So I suggest including some sort of locks on whatever contraptions you intend on building for your future self...if you ever want to see your stuff again. Having a place for everything doesn't mean everything will be in its place - not when you have kids. LOL!

SueAnn Lommler said...

Gotta love purging!! And I love your contraptions
Hugs
SueAnn

Layne Bushell said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning. Ohmagosh...the visual of the jerry rigged stair chair...I'm still cackling....

Keep up the good work. You really need to rub off on me....

Leah Ketchum said...

it is awesome that you build stuff and Jerry-rig things! that is part of what is missing from our country now! Too many people run to the store instead of thinking through a problem and seeing if they can figure out a fix on their own. My grandfather could fix almost anything, and it is only because tried and never said, "well, heck, I'll just drive down to the store and buy a new one 'cause I dont know how I'll fix this contraption." Only when something was so far gone that there wasnt any hope of salvaging it or turning it into something new, would he throw it our or get something new. I try to be like that, it drives my husband batty because he is never sure it is going to work out (I've never not had it work out though) I figure I cant make things much worse, and the worst that will happen is that we would have to go get a new whatever it is. Anyways, sorry for rambling. Keep up the fixing and building, it is great for your mind!

Evelyn said...

Your contraptions are AWESOME! I tried creating spaces in my kids dresser drawers once....used a piece of cardboard thumb-tacked to the sides. See? Your contraptions are NOT crap. I love 'em all!

Debbie Gisle said...

I am more impressed will your daughter's drawer because she has so much clean laundry in there. I recently felt like a horrible Mom when my son came in the room naked and said: "I can't find any underwear in the clean pile." Me: "Did you look in your drawer?" Son: "Why would it be there?"

Sigh.

Good on ya, lady.

Kimberly Pearlman said...

I just hope you blog about that chair lift later in life!! :)

Taylor Family said...

HAHAHA....Well they DO! People just go out and buy holder thingers. But your right, ya aint normal. And you know that I think your fabulous because of all the contraptions you do. : )

......Still Love it! EV.VE.RY.time I walk buy I got to look. Thanks for your help, or rather doing most of the work. Love ya!

David and Rebecca Campbell said...

still laughing out loud at that picture of your daughter. she is super cute, but that picture really looks like she was the understudy to the joker in batman returns. ha! also, i always tell my husband we need an acorn chair lift for the stairs, so i'll be zooming along with you.