Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The Redneck Way.

So, I have this problem.

Lemme tell you about it. Gosh, you have a great listening ear. 'Preciate ya.

My sectional in my basement? You know, the one we basically took apart and put back together just to get into the basement/dungeon area?

Yeah. This one?

I love it. But that is not the problem.

I mean, I really love it. It's so comfy. It's a dweam within a dweam. Wuv. Twoo wuv.

And let me just reiterate that I don't feel that way about all my sofas.

Now that we've got that straight--

here's my problem. This sofa-- I don't know what it is,

but it is a jumping magnet. MAGNET, I tell you. It is not discriminatory to race, gender, religion, age-- heck, if you are under the age of 12, and you have been in my basement,

I have caught you jumping on my sofa.

I am serious. My kids, the neighborhood kids, your kids-- if they've been in the basement, they have jumped on my sofa like Tom Cruise on Oprah's.

I would not be surprised if I walked downstairs one day to find adults jumping in this sofa.

I would not be surprised if this sofa whispers to people to jump on itself.

What's the dealy-o? I don't even know.

Heck, you can tell a kid not to jump on my beloved sofa, and it always goes like this:

"Hey, don't jump on the couch, kay?"


(pause for 2.5 seconds. starts jumping again.)

There are no exceptions to this rule. NONE.

Can I reiterate that I love this sofa? I don't want it to be like the buttcracking sofa upstairs. I hate you, buttcracking sofa (said in my most sinister voice). I don't want broken springs and misshaped cushions.


I made a sign this week. Hung it up.

(Oh no, don't say it).

I hate making frames. It sucks.

(Ew she said it again.)

I do, though. This is a how-not-to tutorial.

Don't make 'em the redneck way.

I have one small section of garage not painted that I still use for projects. I 'spose that's a little redneck, too.

And just when you thought I couldn't get any more redneck-er, I went ahead and did something like this:

And as my husband would say: "What the H is this S?"

There are no words for that redneck clamp-age. Except to say that my dad helped me rig that up so I only take partial blame.

And that's how you make a frame the redneck way. I hope it was informative.

And the sign?

How effective do I believe this warning/ threat to be?

Eh. Next to nothing. But it's worth a shot.


Bethany @ A Fish Who Likes Flowers said...

Seriously, I don't know what I love more the redneck clamping system or the sign. Both are awesome!!! Curious to know how that's going to work out for you, and what other parents will say when they see your handy work. Good luck!

Jennifer said...

That just made my day. That sign is simply genius =)

SueAnn said...

Good luck with that. Ha!!!! I love the sign...cept I would say, " I will kill you!!"
Just saying....

Kathy @ Creative Home Expressions said...

Haha! Let's hope you don't have people jumping and then laugh so hard at the sign that they fall off the couch, Mandi! Love the project ~ what did you use for the backdrop? Dropcloth?

Maureen said...


No wonder you couch is doomed to Death by Jumpage. Have you LOOKED at this thing? (I know real Here's Your Sign question - it is in your house) It is huge!!! It has lots of cushions!!! It has lots of pillows!!! It has the kind of fabric than makes you want to dig your toes into it!!! So if you are sitting on this great couch and you are minding your own business and your stupid brother walks in the room, sees you on the couch and divebombs you then you have NO choice but seek revenge and kill him. Death by cushions - the ultimate way to die!!! Not that this has EVER happened to ME!!! Maybe MY brother...


P.S. Hey, if the couch does die officially, can I come to the funeral?

Katrine said...

You gave me my first laugh of the day! I love that sign!

Marilyn said...

You know when cats jump on the counter and you spray them with a spray bottle? I have heard that works on kids.

Kimbo West said...

so me and the husband watched this show (which was entirely inappropriate) and in it the mom tells the dad to get the babies cause they are crying and he says, you do're the mom. and she loses it and drops the f bomb and tells him i will f-ing cut you and like drop kicks him out of the bed. and now we say it to each other anytime we want someone.

moral of the story: i will f-ing cut you

no. true your sign.

Rebecca D said...

The sign is awesome... I may put one up by my sink to remind everyone to rinse their dishes to avoid ants, or "I'll Cut You!" It's too funny and could possibly work!?!
As for your redneck clamping method... I wasn't aware this isn't the accepted method... One of my kitchen chairs needed a little re-gluing and it is currently on my husband work bench with a belt clamp and a huge pile of hard cover classical novels piled on it. (Why by the way does Tolstoy feel heavier than Bronte'? Is it the subject matter... The two books in question have almost the same number of pages??)
Anyhow... Tolstoy is no more redneck then Rotel and chilis!

The Roberts' Report said...

Just to let the kids know you are VERY VERY serious about your threat, I think you should hang glue a pair of kid scissors to the frame! :)

The Creative Chickadee said...


WhettenWild said...

Yep, Hailey and Alexia thought it was hilarious. haha!

Amanda said...

Wow! I totally have the same exact problem! Except mine is 2 leather love seats with leprosey. However, I'm not allowed to get new ones until our son and every boy in the neighborhood stops jumping on them! I even yelled about it today, lol.

Emily said...

Ha ha ha ... That sign is freaking awesome! And there is nothing wrong with redneck clamp-age!!

Mommybreath said...

Mandi, dear...
I love what you do and am convinced by every post that had the miles not seperated us we would be mucking up motherhood as besties. That being said...
After showing my hubbs your latest pertinent, though hilarious post, he led me to the garage and promptly pointed out the multitudes of pressure clamps, c clamps, and slide clamps that I have at my disposal. Just in case.
So thanks.
Tee hee

Leslie@leserleeslovesandhobbies said...

I love the sign. That is awesome! You rock my world. :)

Teri said...

That couch DOES look comfy. Hope your threats get to stay empty!