Friday, June 10, 2011

How To Jack Up Your Wall: A Tutorial.

While you ask yourself,

"How many times can Mandi fit this picture into a post?",

I'd like to give you a little look-see of my molding/curtain hanger dealy-o. That's what they're called. Really.

Are you ready for this highly informative and straight-forward tut? Good. But please be aware, that this tutorial for the molding/curtain hanger dealy-o must be followed precisely. PRECISELY.

Ready? Fantastic.

-Be aware that this is approximately a 2 hour project. Realize you will make it stretch to 4 days or so.

-Choose yourself some very choice molding. Or just whatever crap you have laying around.

-Find a dirty garage floor.

-Using clamps, glue your molding to some backing with which you thought would be plenty strong, but your husband will later tell you is actually a piece of crap and shouldn't have been used.

-Use at least a gallon-sized jug of wood glue. Slop the wood glue around. This is a necessary and important step.

-Clamp your mitered crown molding together with wood glue, since you did a p.o.s. job of cutting properly.

-Spackle/caulk the gap you left when you shot a brad nail in between your molding pieces.

-Glue the whole d$%# thing to the floor of the garage. Use a hammer to loosen it.

-Paint. Somehow manage to slop paint on the back of your arm. Because you do that, every.single.time.

-Give bonus points to anyone who can point out just what kind of molding was used.

-Using a french cleat,

hang on the wall, using 2 inch screws into the studs. Stand on a fold up chair. Feel it fold up on you, and feel your life flash before your eyes.


-Get the step ladder. Promise to take your story of swinging arms/nearly falling backwards on your head to the grave.

-Break that promise.

-Use a "heavy duty" curtain rod which is actually as cheap as a trailer park hooker to hold up your curtains.

-Laugh and say "heavy duty" with air quotes every couple of minutes or so.

-Attempt to hang the molding/curtain hanger dealy-o by yourself. 30 pounds or so. Waaaay over your head.


-Realize, after hearing awful cracking noises, that you've made it too top heavy and adjustments must be made.


-Bring it down. Try not to cry. Take the back apart. Put it back together.

-Frequently say, in your best Dr. Evil voice, "This is to let you know that this organization will not tolerate failure.", as you work past 11:00 p.m.

-Wonder if anyone really makes nice quality, WHITE curtains.

-Cuss about your cream curtains.
-Contemplate murder.

-Wonder if your picture or your molding/curtain hanger dealy-o is crooked. Or both.

-And finally, get the nail gun and go nuts to strengthen the entire piece. Ensure that the wall behind looks like swiss cheese.

And that's it, folks. 487 simple steps. Easy as pie.


Emily said...

Oh my heck,this tutorial made me laugh! You are the best!

gina3 said...

I could actually follow that tutorial but it still wouldn't turn out as good as yours. (It does look the slightest bit unlevel?) Love the new look of the blog! The white background is refreshing and easier to read. You must figure out how to frame your blog in some moulding!

catie said...

best. tutorial. ever!

cheap as a trailer park hooker...that one got me. i laughed out loud at work!

i think it's an optical illusion due to the tv leaning out from the wall, it's totally not crooked.

Holly said...

Well crap on a cracker, that was super easy. Followed your instructions to a "T" and it only took me about 30 minutes with the same results. However, I did skip the third cuss so maybe that's why it took you longer. Also, I lie, I've never built anything in my life.

Layne Bushell said...

@ Holly - that was really funny...
@ Mandi...I'm still laughing! You made my day with this little post!

WhettenWild said...

LOL! would take me longer than that. And 100 more steps!

Pressed Petals said...

haha! i didn't notice the crooked "photo" until you said. can't wait to see the finished results.

Lori said...

You are the smartest carpenter girl I know.

calikas said...

ahahahaha so funny!!

Tracy's Trinkets and Treasures said...

It's coming along. You just might become a sailor(all the cussing) by the time you get it all done. When did you change your blog? I got the camera and it had a ton of noise. I was scared of the noise and the price so I shipped it back in less than 24 hours. You should just give me your camera and deliver it and teach me how to use it and put molding in my house while you are at it. And.....

Kimbo West @ a girl and a glue gun said...

my my my ain't you all pretty and new. love your new look..i think you need a new tab't know yet...and post your poop in the tub....headless husband..and all the other fantastically random and awesomesauce posts!

Renee said...

This cracked me up!

Michelle@Somedaycrafts said...

Wish you were my neighbor. Not only would I pee my pants laughing every day, I could see and touch all the amazing creations in your house. I am just finishing my baby's room and I used your blog for my "inspiration." I will let you know when/if I post the pictures! Thanks for all the great things you do with your house (and kids). I laugh every time I read!

Dayna said...

You're the best, I swear... 3am this morning, could not sleep, super moody...and this post in my reader made my day. I laughed SO hard, and loud...great medicine. Just the best! Rarely do I leave a comment, but I left this page up so that I may thank you. Thanks for being real. Yeah, peeeace!

Teri said...

Ha! That trailer-park-hooker comment really got me laughing! Sounds like there's a lot of cussing around your parts. Sound just like my house. Love the curtain! No one will ever see the wall behind it anyhow.

Spencer & Lorilyn Crum said...

If I actually listed out what my projects were actually like, they would be exactly like this.

Cheers to Mandi, for keepin it real.

Jen said...

You had me rolling on the floor with this post! It did me a lot of good to read your thoughts today! This is one of those awesome talents I'm so jealous of. The trim working thing, of course, but I'm talking about the hilarious way you express yourself! You have a true gift of giving laughter! THANKS.