Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Epic Failure.

Perhaps you remember my dweam.

The dweam, within a dweam. Dining? Alfresco? You remember, don't ya?

Well, for 2 days this spring, we actually had some warm days. And so I girded up my loins, and got out there to work and make the dweam come true. Rolled on up those sleeves for just a bit less of a farmer tan, and off I went.

See, this is my deck.

Oh wait. Let me back up, here. (Beep Beep Beep-- that's my truck backin' up sound).

Perhaps you might remember the table I made for said alfresco dining occasions.

Well it's still in the gay-rage, collecting sawdust, awaiting it's rightful place out on the deck.

But. Big but.

We love our deck. But this derned weather has beat the shiznit out of it. It needed some tender loving care.

To say that our deck gave children "slivers" would be a gross distortion.

This is what we pulled out of my nephew's foot:

we really did need pliers to get it out. He didn't get a "sliver"; it would be more accurate to say our deck shish kabobbed him.

And no one needs to be shish kabobbed.

That piece of lumber was promptly replaced. You can sleep well with that knowledge.

So imagine my joy when I was referred to. . .

DECK RESTORE. (monster truck rally voice.)

This is the answer, man! This will seal the deck! It's like some epoxy/glue/paint/resurfacer/dealy-o! It's perfect! The box says so! And so do the people at Lowe's! And just look at the pictures on the box! "Liquid Armor Resurfacer"! Can it get more awesomer?!

You see that roller up there it comes with? It was like trying to roll on grout with a wire brush.

So, do I loooove it? Was it everything I hoped for and a bag of chips?

Um. . ..

Um. . ..

Um, I would love it, if it had been an even coat. . .

I mean, 'cause, this was me:
taking 10 minutes on every freakin' slat of my deck, going,

"Roll on EVENLY you bastage!" with this freaky laugh/cry.

I've got some left; I'll be scouring the interweb for a tip on a more even coating.

Meanwhile, I'll be crying myself to sleep in my huge pilla.


slommler said... sounded like a good idea!! Ha!

Dara Lynn said...

Deck Restore??? Get your money back!

Tracy's Trinkets and Treasures/Treasured Moments said...

I hate that it didn't work as planned, but I dont think it is horrible. Maybe with an outdoor rug, table and chairs it won't show so much.

Shirley said...

Soooo glad you do product demos for the rest of us. Thanks for suffering thru this, so we don't. Taking one for the team, and all. Methinks I see a sandblaster in your near future....

Candice said...

Aw man!! I saw that stuff at HD and was hoping it would be the miracle cure for the hot mess my deck is. Bummer.

Queen Bee said...

Man....that SUPER sucks! And totally looks like how most things end up over here.

Creative Decor by Brooke said...

Wow, am I glad you tried that before I did. Ha. I just saw that last weekend at HD with the hubby and we both thought that is was a great idea. I would have been doing that as soon as the rain stops. So happy I saw this post. Sorry you had to take one for the team though. Update us if you come us with a solution.

Layne Bushell said...

Darn, I was hoping you'd love it and recommend it. We have a wood deck that has had the schnitzit beat out of it too.... Sorry...but I could tell it looked better than before. Does that count for something?

Emily said...

Oh man, I'm sorry it didn't work! Hopefully you figure out how to even it out so you can enjoy your beautiful table.

WhettenWild said...

I cringed when I saw the sliver. Yeah, that was pretty traumatic. More so for me in my 9 months preggo state than the 3 year old with the huge sliver. Glad Dad was around to get that out.

Jessie K said...

Hmmm... Maybe you could try buffing it with a sander? Then maybe add a seal coat or five? That might even it out. Unless it wouldn't buff off. Then it wouldn't.

Sorry that didn't work out like you'd hoped!

Jen said...

You should forward this blog post to the manufacturer and show them how much bad publicity they're getting! ;) Demand that they come out and redo it for you, too!

I'm so sorry all your hard work was all for not. =( This is precisely why we forked out so much mula for concrete. It's maintenace free!!!

Heidi@TheCraftMonkey said...

aw, well, at least no more kid kabobs! I have faith that you will make this beautiful! Everything you work on comes out beautiful!

Connie @ Measured by the Heart said...

You are so funny... Third nipple.. hilarious! Your blog totally makes my day. In other news, I have an epic fail dining room table today so I totally feel your pain!

Thoughtfully Blended Hearts said...

Post a link to this on the Lowes website...they will contact you lickety split...I had problems with a refrigerator from there for over a year...I posted on their website (they have a comment section) and within a few days I had money for a new refrigerator...yep they refunded the full purchase price. Make sure that you leave a way for them to contact you.
Good luck

Teri said...

Sorry to hear about your deck. But on the plus side? Reason number 163 that you're awesome? You used the word "Bastage".

Dara said...

I built that deck, even lost two fingernails in the contruction. I hope it's still sturdy.:)
Signed, Dara's Husband.