1. When using the tape measurer, replace it back on your darn belt. If you don't, you'll waste 10 minutes trying to find the stupid thing again. And you'll do this over and over.
2. Since we're talking about the tape measurer, do NOT snap back a 10 foot length back into itself. It flips/snaps. And it hurts when it hits you. Oh.So.Bad. I mean, like, it's on my top 10 list of "the most painful things that have ever happened to me". Just wait for that list.
3. The way to do a project is all by yourself. Then, when you look hopeless, helpless, and utterly inept, a good man will step in for you and help you with the rest. And you don't even have to feel guilty. 'Cause hey, it's "your" project. And you didn't ask.
4. #3 makes you like, a huge jerk.
5. If it seems like a totally rocking hot idea- sit on it. Then calculate the price. Still want to do it?
6. I have over-exposure sickness. Holy Whowsa on the brightness in the pictures there, buddy! I don't know what my deal is. I've got to chill with the let's-over-expose-the-heck-out-of-this! picture problem.
7. A level is good for me. I need to level anything that needs to be straight. It's extremely important for a gal like me.
8. Cream carpet is good for NO ONE. Especially 3 boys and a spit-up babe. But again, NO ONE.
9. Cream carpet in a BATHROOM is good for NO ONE.
10. Need a favor? Or need to break bad news to the hubs? Call him on the phone before he gets home. Even better: instant message it. The sooner, the better. Let the info sit. Let it percolate. You'll be in waaaaay less trouble.
11. #10: true story. Try it.
12. Why do I need a magazine subscription when I can get free PB, Wisteria, & Ballard Designs catalogs sent to my home? Puhlease.
13. Sometimes, full out hollering is good for no one. 4 kids crying at once-- not really your best mommy moment.
14. Painting + little boys = WTH were you THINKING??
15. Chocolate pudding + little boys = WTH were you thinking? (refer to #8)
16. Chocolate pudding + cream carpet in the bathroom (refer to #9) = WTH is that?
17. Insisting on stocking insane amounts of candy will plump the buns. I don't care how little of it you ingest. Just looking at it will help you get fatter.
18. Excessive use of air quotes really confuses little children. They don't have a clue WTH you're doing.
19. "Measure twice, cut once." That's what my grampa always said. But for me, it should be measure thrice, cut once. Seriously.
20. For the record, it's (WTH) "What The Heck". Thankyousomuch.
21. Baking Soda/Peroxide toothpaste'll tear the insides of your mouth up after a while.
22. 3 steam cleans with alcohol and a bubble in the paint downstairs later, and you'll remember that a clogged toilet that doesn't look like it's gonna overflow, will in fact, overflow. All.night.long.
23. Spackle is your friend. Spackle will fix that error. Soft wipe with a wet cloth before it's completely dry.
24. Your kids will scratch your piano. That's why you bought a used one.
25. Painting at night with very little light will seriously piss you off the next morning when you see what you yourself did to the carpet and couldn't see.